November 14, 2006

Ship It!

of all the heinous things to say at a poker table, by FAR the most obnoxious/asshole-like is the phrase: "ship it!" for those of you that have never sat at a live poker table (and don't realize how mean-spirited this phrase is), let me explain: literally, the phrase "ship it!" is an order to an opponent and/or the dealer to 'ship' the chips in the player's direction. seems pretty harmless, right? when would you use a term like this instead of saying, "excuse me sir, would you please graciously pass me the chips that i have just won from you?" well let me tell you: THE SUCK OUT: you're sitting in a no limit hold'em game (cash game, tournament, doesn't matter), and the meathead down across the table with the cut-off t-shirt, jersey accent, and body odor is annoying everyone at the table. you finally get him to stick all his money in as a huge underdog, and he hits a suckout of epic proportions. maybe he hits a straight-flush against your boat, drawing to one card. you're slightly stunned, and then he says it: "ship it, baby!" THE FEUD: you've been verbally sparring with another player for about an hour. he's a real jerk and won't get over the argument. he also happens to have a yankees hat on his head, a duke basketball sweatshirt on his torso, bright yellow lakers sweats on his legs, and a 2cm penis above his peanut balls. you get involved in a hand against him and he comes out victorious. to needle you, he slow-rolls you while flipping over the nuts and, with a dirty smirk on his face, says the words "ship it!" while motioning with both hands towards himself. THE ASSHOLE FRIEND (less frequent): one of the above two morons (Moron) does not actually use the term "ship it!" himself. instead, one of his drunk idiot friends is standing behind him and has been bragging to the entire poker room for the past ten minutes about how he just made out with a really hot chick at the club. Moron wins a pot and drunk guy stands behind him yelling out the phrase while Moron rakes in the chips. it's pretty much guaranteed that anytime you hear the phrase "ship it!" at a poker table, the words will be uttered by someone who is a) angry at his opponent in the hand, or b) a complete asshole. so what's the best way to deal with a "ship it" guy? after all, getting pissed (because you will) really doesn't solve the problem, as you'll either a) go on tilt and dump off all your chips to the rest of the table, or b) jump across the table and try to strangle "ship it!" guy (don't laugh, i've seen at least five people get kicked out of high-class poker rooms for this exact scenario). i've developed a method for online play that is so ridiculous that it is failsafe (and yes, this did happen an hour ago, verbatim): flop comes AcJhQd, i have JsQh, my opponent (aka Moron) has Ah9d. we get all the money in the middle. final board: AcJhQd5s5d. i lose about $85. and then this occurs in the chatbox: Moron: ship it! smallchou: awesome! Moron: yeah baby smallchou: great! i'm so happy for you! Moron: ? Moron: are you talking to me? smallchou: yeah! you're awesome. i just wanted you to know that. that's why i shipped the chips to you! Moron: ok buddy, whatever [edit: for dane cook fans, you will recognize that "buddy"] smallchou: "whatever"! you're a genius! Moron: ? smallchou: i love playing poker with you! Moron: shut up smallchou: oh sorry, i thought you were really excited about sucking out on me. i just wanted to be excited with you. Other Player 1: lol Other Player 2: hilarious Moron: go fck yourself first of all, doing this usually gets me into a really good mood again, if i felt like the beat was actually going to get on my nerves. this particular Moron was of the angry variety, but sometimes you can actually get the moron to laugh and say he's sorry for the suckout. the angry ones are the funniest though, because suddenly THEY actually get on tilt. then maybe YOU will be the one with the chance to say "ship it!" back. while this option will feel remarkably satisfying, i encourage you to take the high road and just smile. don't be the "ship it!" guy...

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