March 8, 2006

List of Expertises

i just read the sports guys' newest mailbag, which was, by the way, hilarious. here's a small excerpt:
Q: Just read your Cowbell about the Oscars, and how Nicholson is never not the coolest guy in the room … which begs the question based on a recent column of yours: Who'd win the "Coolest Guy in the Room" contest, Jack Nicholson or Charles Oakley? -- Michael, Columbus, Ohio SG: I vote for Nicholson. Even though Oakley is more impressive in person, more people would be impressed if they saw Nicholson waddling through a room with that big smile on his face. In fact, during that Lakers-Celtics game, our entire section was watching him in awed silence until I finally broke the ice with the obligatory, "Did you order the Code Red?!?" joke. Would Oakley inspire that level of awed silence? Probably not. But I think this is like one of those "Who would win in a fight: a bear or a shark?" questions. There's no real way to solve it.
bill simmons is expertly qualified to comment about topics such as this. he's also qualified to didactically comment about other important questions, such as 'how do you keep the strippers at a strip club from badgering you?' and "Where does Jessica Simpson trying to bang every single A and B+ list celebrity rank on the Vengeance Scale?" he answers both of these in his mailbag. that got me thinking: what kinds of things am i qualified to expertly comment about? i made a small list. keep in mind this entails EXPERT knowledge of: - going to las vegas - following sports and sports happenings - working at a large software company - working at oracle - managing customer data across an enterprise - eating ice cream properly out of a sugar cone - coaching a junior high school basketball team - getting into shape after sophomore year leaves you a blubberous fatty - tying shoelaces - analyzing basketball strategically - attending stanford university - beating the low limit hold'em games at garden city - traveling for a month in europe - judging burritos - running a summer basketball camp for little kids - drinking and enjoying beer - driving a 2003 subaru wrx - hanging out on a beach - being asian and having Asian asian parents (the capital 'a' matters) - killing $10 6-person sit-and-gos on full tilt poker - barbecuing tri-tip and/or chicken - living in the bay area - having the name 'jack' i'm sure there are others, but i can't seem to think of them right now. can you think of any? more importantly, what would be on your list?


At 3/08/2006 01:15:00 PM, Anonymous bonnie said...

a few things:
-i don't think i will ever be an expert on living in the bay area and so far i've done it for 23 years. for example, i don't know shit about san jose. and i'm not even sure what el cerrito IS.
-however, i do think it counts for something to know how to say san rafael.
-would you say that you eat ice cream out of a cone differently than a large dog? and would you say that large dogs do it incorrectly?
-mmm... ok, i'm done.


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